Home > alcohol, Crazy, Family, Funny, humor, husband, Inspirational, Kids, Lessons, Marriage, Moving, Women > This Ain’t No Hallmark Card It’s a Rant, But an Honest One

This Ain’t No Hallmark Card It’s a Rant, But an Honest One

I’m no expert on love or marriage, I’m barely an expert at my own life, but over the years I think I’ve learned a few things worth sharing. I’ve had the pleasure, and sometimes the burden, of loving the same man for the last sixteen years. I was only nineteen when we started dating and naive enough to think all a marriage needed to survive was love. Sure was a fool back then, but I learned.

Here’s what I know so far. Foremost, it takes hard work.  You have to show up, be there, listen.  You invest a great deal of time, effort, and patience, a whole lot of patience into a marriage.  And still there’s more.  You have to make something of the time you spend together.  It’s not enough to just be around living day to day in some force fed obligated routine.  You have to sincerely care about where your relationship is going, not just when everything is new and exciting, but throughout its entire duration.

Be honest with yourself. You gotta’ want what you have. Your heart has to be in who you’re with, where you are, and what you’re doing or it’ll never work. The grass can’t be greener on the other side it has to be greener on yours.  Cherish your own marriage with all of it’s imperfections and inconveniences.

In sixteen years you can learn a lot if you’re smart. Unfortunately, we weren’t that smart the first eight. We were young and foolish, and saw most of our best and worst times those years. It’s painful to admit that we did more than our fair share of the unthinkable to one another and believe me it’s even harder to accept the consequences.

We discovered the hard way that just as with other relationships, in a marriage, mistakes aren’t easily forgotten. Forgiven maybe, but hardly forgotten. Lucky for us the most valuable lesson we’ve learned thus far is that love is also unconditional. You fight the good fight to keep the past where it belongs and you learn to forgive the unforgivable just when you thought you couldn’t.

A wise and fellow blogger once told me that a marriage had “peaks and valleys that weren’t just measured in days, but at times measured in months. Marriage is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. And the race to the finish line can be exhausting, but hopefully you both finish in the same place.”

Besides forgiveness this was probably the next hardest lesson we’ve had to learn, that marital problems don’t solve themselves overnight, or even a week. Sometimes it takes months. For us sometimes it took years, but at the end of the day we’ve learned we’d still rather be together than apart and knowing that has made all the difference.

After all these years I’d have to say the best compliment my husband has ever paid me is simply sticking around.  For all the times we’ve been ready to give up, leave, or strangle the other, some moments cutting it closer than others, I sure am glad we don’t. Every night I go to sleep I know right where he is and every morning I wake up and know he’ll still be there, making me a cup of his special coffee, heavy on the cream with too much sugar. I don’t even like coffee, but you better believe I love his.

So here is my truth. In a world where so many couples marry or stay married for the wrong reasons; for the kids, to please your parents, because it seems easier than separating, even just to save face, I get to be married to someone for the right ones. Despite everything we’ve been through, I know that the grass is greener on my side.  I want exactly what I have and if I had to do it over again I would.

Even if you stripped this marriage down, wiped away the kids, the house, the business, the debt, the savings and 401ks, if you brought it back down to just me and him, just us, I’m still certain I would re-cry every tear, relive every disappointment, and eat all of my pride over again just to be his girl. I love my husband because I don’t know how not to, nor would I want to try.

So honey, this one’s for you, a tribute to the love of my life a decade and a half strong. Know this, I don’t regret a thing, not one. All my roads lead to you, to this, to us.

For finding your way home and the cajones to make right what you almost threw away, for eleven years of sobriety and proving your love is stronger than any addiction, for taking me as I am and never trying to change me or fit me in a box just so you could feel bigger, for supporting my personal dreams and helping me breathe life into them, for sixteen years of the crappy and the good because if it weren’t for one we couldn’t fully appreciate the other, and for a love that’s given me so much more than it’s taken – I am thankful. I’m thankful for you.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Happy Anniversary, Baby.

Photo Taken by Elegant Images Photography, Las Vegas, NV

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  1. February 13, 2011 at 12:52 PM

    Thanks for posting this. Marriage is tough. You’ve given me food for thought. For better and for worse, right?

    • February 13, 2011 at 11:04 PM

      In writing this post I kept in mind my wedding toast and a few earlier posts. In particular ‘Humorous Take on the Top 5 Lessons of Marriage’ and ‘Definitely Not a Prince Charming’.

      Regarding the latter post a fellow blogger, SaucyB, commented “I have never seen what marriage is truly like described with such honesty. There are times when I don’t particularly like my spouse. And we certainly have peaks and valleys in our relationship that aren’t just measured in days, but at times can be measured in months. Marriage is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. And the race to the finish line can be exhausting. But hopefully you both finish in the same place.”

      I tried to stay true to her compliment, about describing marriage w/honesty. I also loved what she said about peaks and valleys in a marriage that are measured in months as opposed to days. I feel like that is so accurate, so real. Next to forgiving the unforgivable, that’s probably the next hardest lesson I’ve had to learn, that marriage problems don’t sort themselves out overnight or even in a week, sometimes it takes months. For us, sometimes it took years. At the end of the day, I’m lucky enough to say it’s still worth it for me.

      So yes, Kevin ‘Super-Daddy’, I do believe in “for better for worse”.

      Always, Maria

  2. Kelleen Adams
    February 13, 2011 at 9:01 PM

    That was beautiful!! The pictures were great!! Happy Love Day!

    • February 13, 2011 at 9:29 PM

      Thank you for always reading my posts, Kelleen! Ahh, you are definitely one of my favorite supporters/readers/friends/people!

  3. February 14, 2011 at 10:29 AM

    A fine tribute to your marriage and marriages in general, and well-written. I do think it’s funny that you call your passionate, well-organized posts “rants”. You are very considerate, as ranters go :)

    • February 14, 2011 at 10:47 AM

      Funny how little things can make your day. I’ve been staring at your comment for the last 10 minutes. Thank you very much for the compliments.

  4. February 14, 2011 at 11:49 AM

    What an honest and wonderful tribute to your husband and your marriage. It must have made him feel so good to read this.
    Absolutely honored to have been referenced in such a great post. Happy Valentine’s Day!
    P.S. Your wedding photo is gorgeous. Love that hair!!

    • February 14, 2011 at 9:18 PM

      Thank you. *Blushing* Hubby did like it very much. Told him this was as close as I could get to shouting my love for him from a mountain top.

      I do think about what you said in your comment a lot and it gives me comfort knowing that we’re not the only couple who doesn’t kiss and make up in a day’s time.

      RE: The hair. YES. My wedding day proved to me that $500, a good make up artist and hair stylist could do wonders for a woman!

  5. bonnie friedman
    February 14, 2011 at 4:39 PM

    Good one Maria. I printed it up and I’m going to share it with my husband.
    Happy V-Day

    • February 14, 2011 at 9:19 PM

      Bonnie! You read my post. I don’t know which makes me happier, that you finally read one of my posts or that you liked it enough to print it and share with your hubs! Never mind, you read my post. YAY!

  6. February 14, 2011 at 4:45 PM

    awwww. I fuckin love you guys! Did hubs read this?

    • February 14, 2011 at 9:20 PM

      Yes, Rodney read it. He read it the minute I posted it. LOL. I made him. Now he keeps making me coffee. :-) And he keeps checking the comments and asking how many people have read the post so far. LMAO

  7. Kirstie/Princess
    February 14, 2011 at 6:00 PM

    Aww . . . Happy Valentine’s day cuzzo’s! Hugs n Kisses to the kids for me.

  8. ventamatic
    February 15, 2011 at 11:41 AM

    this is soooo damn heart warming , makes me want to hug my hubby the way you hug yours, how sweet. this should be on the front page news !

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:28 PM

      Hey there blogger friend. Thanks for being so loyal and always visiting. I never get tired of your positive feedback. :-)

  9. February 15, 2011 at 12:03 PM

    Maria,
    I love your ability to write with honesty and a clear voice. I feel like I’m getting to know you more and more with every post I read. Congrats to you and your partner. I’m going on eight years this summer, and a lot of what you wrote resonates deeply with me. Thanks for sharing so much of your personal stuff. It makes for better writing and better reading.
    Jared

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:22 PM

      Dear One-of-my Favorite-Bloggers,

      Always appreciate your comments. You know I had it on my to do to write a piece for the Write-On Project on entitlement. I already started thinking about what I would write last week, but then between this post and two exams this week, oh and the rest of life, I was slammed. I already framed the piece in my head so I will still share it with you before I post it. I AM going to write for your project. I WANT TO! Okay, until next post, your side or mine.

      MS

  10. tank
    February 16, 2011 at 4:06 AM

    wow just read your blog,THANK YOU for bringing a tear (several really)to these tired old eyes..God Bless marrige and to those who stick TO it through the Good and Bad..I love My Wife MORE than ANYTHING…and this is from A JERK who is trying to show her She is A KEEPER!I just hope that she still feels the same about me…..

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:27 PM

      This was a great comment to wake up to this morn. I’m still always humbled when someone tells me I’ve moved them to tears. It’s a great compliment. I’m not sure what’s going on between you and your wife but I’m sending you my good vibes and wishes.

      I’ve spent 16 years fighting for this relationship but I know that you only get one love of your life. Only one. Some people never even get the opportunity to find that one. I have mine and you’re damn straight I’m not letting mine go.

      Take care and I hope you keep visiting my blog. MS

  11. Andrew Garcia
    February 16, 2011 at 7:44 PM

    Not too bad for the first post I’ve read of yours. I’m sure that the rest of them will inspire me just as much. I think I’m going to share this w/ wifey as well. And yes, still in Daly City. haha

    • February 16, 2011 at 10:30 PM

      Wow! Now this was quite the pleasant, but surprising, comment! It’s been a while. Do share with your wifey and friends. Keep visiting. Hope you got my email.

  12. February 25, 2011 at 10:28 PM

    That was a beautiful tribute!

    Have a wonderful weekend and thanks for swinging by!!

  13. February 28, 2011 at 11:39 AM

    And you thought mine was good…that was awesome & should really help some people!

  14. March 4, 2011 at 11:48 PM

    Beautiful. Simply beautiful. There would be a lot less divorce if more couples thought the way that you two think. Here’s to you guys! Here’s to putting your heart and soul into your marriage. I’m 0 for 2 but I refuse to give up hope that someday I can have something like you two have. Wishing you 50 more years of happiness!

  15. March 11, 2011 at 9:32 PM

    Very sweet. We’re just at the beginning of our marathon. Excited for what awaits us!

  16. March 21, 2011 at 10:19 PM

    Well, this is possibly the sweetest love letter I have ever read.

    Marriage is not always easy. I have been married for more than 20 years, and it is not always easy. It is, however, always.

    I married my husband for always.

    Happy sighs.

    What a lovely and heartwarming post.

  17. March 23, 2011 at 4:53 PM

    BRAVO Maria! Every word so very true and most of the time I have noticed that unless someone has been through the marital troubles, they have NO idea what it’s like. You have to for sure stick to what works for you as a couple, and not what society or friends think is right. I loved where you said “Be honest with yourself. You gotta’ want what you have. Your heart has to be in who you’re with, where you are, and what you’re doing or it’ll never work. The grass can’t be greener on the other side it has to be greener on yours. Cherish your own marriage with all of it’s imperfections and inconveniences.” This is SO true! I thought that what I was doing was loving unconditionally and WRONG-far from it when you have expectations and when you have something to say about everything your mate does or doesn’t do. I do think that when you marry young, you don’t have enough knowledge of yourself to even begin to merge your life with anyone else…I know this was my case. I know that my past’s were not dealt with and at some point, whatever work wasn’t processed, will be with whoever you end up with. Again, I thank you for sharing this post with me and for taking the time to head on over to my blog ;) I am happy that things worked out for you and you and your husband are that much wiser, wouldn’t you say? ;)

  18. February 13, 2012 at 7:57 AM

    I have moments that make it seem like my marriage started yesterday, and moments that make it seem like it’s always been this way. :)

    • February 18, 2012 at 3:07 AM

      Some days I think I can love that guy a thousand years, in this life and the next. Other days I have no idea how I’m supposed to stand him one more day! Marriage sure is something.

  1. February 14, 2011 at 7:03 PM

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