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Okay Boys, Lets Talk About Sex

I’d say I’m a fairly liberal parent. By liberal I’m referring to my effort to stay open minded to the things my children tell me, even when I’m upset with what they’re saying, and remaining honest with them about life, including the sh*tty parts and ugly details from their own lives, much of which would make the average adult squirm in discomfort.

I figure enough people are going to lie to them and reject their ideas throughout life how ’bout I try the open and honest approach. If somehow this path still blows up in my face, at least I know I’ve equipped each with the stomach and gumption to face reality. Not to mention the rare ability to smell bull sh*t when it’s headed their way.

The oldest two of my four children are boys, 18 and 14.  I already gave each of them the sex talk. I definitely prefer they abstain from, maybe not until marriage, but at least until they’re out of high school. However, since I’m also a realist I tell them what I want, but make sure they have access to and know about birth control and preventing STDs. Being a former teen mom I clawed my way to upper middle class to decrease my oldest son’s chances of becoming a statistic. I’m quick to remind my boys the consequences of having sex early. I’d like to believe they get it.

Aside from them being cursed with the “guy best friend” syndrome, fortunately for me, my boys are good looking enough to go on the occasional date, but not so pretty I have to worry incessantly about groupie girls. Still, I do worry some, and not just about them having sex too early.

I want my kids to have sex responsibly at any age, but I’d also like to think they’re just as responsible about who they have sex with. Clearly I wasn’t good at practicing birth control nor was I consistently diligent in selecting my partners, but I did a good enough job that I don’t regret any of them either. At minimum I hope my kids manage to do the same, if not ten times better.

Not too long ago public discussion about sex was taboo and television played along with the mystery. Much has changed in the last fifty years. Today’s media airs and promotes sex so much so that they seem to have assisted society in removing all intimacy from the act and redefining sex as a casual verb, often practiced with less significance and more detachment.

Borne from this new generation’s mentality of “sex now sex everywhere” comes the lets-not-screen-who-we-have-sex-with attitude. An attitude of which has lead to the all too common found-out-after-the-fact-how-much-I-don’t-like-your-psychotic-*ss dilemma.

So my regular discussions with my sons about sex now include; Google and your goof ball friends are not credible resources for your questions about sex, please don’t have sex before you’re 18, but if you do make sure it’s safe sex, and be cognizant of who you’re having sex with. In other words, watch where you put your thingie, lest you wake up with creepy crawlies, an unexplainable rash, in an unplanned relationship with a nutso, or worse, an unprepared unsuspecting father. Frankly, the latter consequence is the one I’m most concerned with.

I tell my boys to imagine being in college or just out of college and finding out he’s going to be a father with a one night stand whose name he barely remembers. Boys beware! Imagine you come to realize you don’t even like this woman, nor does she you. Introducing the beginning of decades of arguments because you never see eye to eye.  Now imagine having this strained relationship for the rest of your life, constantly fighting over child visitation, and the next eighteen years of 50% wage garnishments. Welcome to the world of baby mama drama and it sure ain’t pretty!

“Boys will be boys,” is not an excuse for acting like you have no sense. Be smarter than that. If you’re going to have sex with someone you don’t love, in the least, care about the girl, respect her, know her sexual history, geez, know her enough to trust what she tells you.

I know I’ll just have to trust my boys use their heads, excuse the pun, when having sex and choosing their sexual partners. The best I can do is make sure they know the possible outcomes, good and bad, if they opt not to pay heed my words.

I sure as heck hope they’re listening.

DISCLAIMER:
Parents don’t you dare judge me. I parent with honesty and try not to jam so many of my ideals down my kids’ throats that would prohibit them from having thoughts of their own. So you may not agree with how I parent, how open I am with them regarding sex and other ugly truths, but this is how I choose to raise them.

Should you be a parent that raises your children in a different fashion, know that I respect that, albeit possibly disagreeing. There is a way for adults to respectfully disagree and not be judgmental of one another. If you can’t figure out how to do that and continue to silently curse me for this post then by all means, please feel free to bite me.

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  1. January 31, 2011 at 5:10 AM

    This shall be the first of something I plan to do. You shall see what I mean… probably.

    • February 1, 2011 at 11:37 PM

      Danniel!!!, yes, I finally got it! Thank you for the ping back!!!!!

  2. January 31, 2011 at 5:30 AM

    Himself and I intend to take a very similar track to yours when our kids are older. The word “Responsibility” will feature heavily, and the clear knowledge from us that if they choose unwisely then they will have to step up to the plate and take full responsibility themselves. If we are going to be Grandparents eventually, then Excellent!… but that “doesn’t* mean us with a full time career as a parent again whilst the kids swan off to their world tour or have a party lifestyle whilst we stay home with the baby most nights of the week.
    Making it clear what “reality” will be, will hopefully make them more careful about the choices they make.
    Of her own initiative Kiwi Daughter has volunteering overnight help for the last two weekends with friends who have a newborn (3.5 weeks) helping out as a little assistant… for her it has been an eye opener.(The new Mama has not been well)
    At 9 years old she is seeing that a newborn with tummy cramps is not a quiet little dolly, but rather an uncomfortable red-faced unhappy little human being who is very very loud indeed. (and that the contents of nappies stink) LOL.
    She sees how little sleep they get at night and how tiring it is.
    It’s only one night of the weekend, but hopefully the experience will stay with her and be a reality check on the “babies are soooo cute and wouldn’t it be good to have one” idea. (ok, yes the baby is cute… but you know what I mean.)
    Bravo, for being honest, if you give them ALL the facts, the good the bad and the ugly, then hopefully they will become choosy enough to only want the best for themselves in choosing a partner and in having kids at the right time.

    • February 1, 2011 at 11:40 PM

      Kiwidutch, it’s like you and I have so much in common. You’re like my lighter skinned sister living halfway across the world from me. One day we will just have to meet somewhere in between, maybe along the equator, swap stories over tea!

  3. Janet Harris
    February 1, 2011 at 9:04 AM

    Bravo for your honesty. I am doing the same with our kids. I believe it has made for a better relationship with my teenage daughter and soon to be teenage son. Lord knows my parents didn’t even breathe the word “sex” in front of us. Makes you go to sources that are not trustworthy or not fully knowledgeable.

    They may get sex education at school, but the moral and responsibility lessons come from home.

    • February 1, 2011 at 11:41 PM

      Here, here! So glad to hear you agree, or in the least are not cursing like some parents might be reading this post.

  4. February 1, 2011 at 3:33 PM

    Love this take! When my father finally got around to “having the little talk” with me I had already picked it up from talk around the gang. I pretended it was news to me though. We seem to have the same wry sense of humor.

    • February 1, 2011 at 11:43 PM

      Balladeer, I’ve come across your blog several times on the showcase forum. Your posts vary across the board, very interesting. So glad you found your way to my blog and even more pleased that you liked this post. I do hope you continue to visit and I will be sure to do the same.

  5. ventamatic
    February 1, 2011 at 10:03 PM

    very well done, loved this blog, rings alot of truths,

  6. February 2, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    Applause for you! I love the openness and honesty 🙂

  7. Claring
    February 2, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    I hope a lot of parents would do the same. I never discussed the “birds and the bees” with my children because I expected the schools to do that for me. I am sure there are some parents out there like me who are uncomfortable (more like embarrassed) in discussing the subject with their teens. You are absolutely way better in parenting than I ever was.

    Where do babies come from ? The TV commercial shows toddlers response such as “from the hospital”, “from the stork”, “from mom and dad kissing” etc. I hope when Governor Schwarzenegger leaves office, he will do a sequel of “Kindergarten Cop” to answer this question.

  8. February 4, 2011 at 7:50 PM

    Well said. I have girls and we already have to lay the ground work about relationships. It’s important to keep the communication open and know who they are hanging out with. My pre-teen and I have already talked about oral sex,STD’s and inappropriate touching. Because if I don’t talk to her…well either her friends will or the media will.

  9. February 4, 2011 at 9:32 PM

    The pajama lady visited my page! So glad you enjoyed and “heard” me. Going to have to visit your page in a bit.

  10. February 14, 2011 at 10:24 AM

    You sound like a very responsible and sensible parent. I disagree that factual info on sex and STDs is easier to get than it used to be, even if condoms etc. are easier to buy. When I was in high school (20 years before you) sex ed was required, and if parents wanted to be the info providers, the students still had to take the tests and write the assignments at school because most parents were not then, and are not now, qualified to teach info that most of them do not know.
    Maybe it will loosen up again, go in cycles, but to me we are in a reactionary period of US history, chock-full of ignorance and ruled more by fear than hope.
    Your diligence is so important.

  11. JayDee
    March 7, 2011 at 1:25 PM

    I’ve raised my son, telling him the absolute truth on life. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU. My older sister ALWAYS judged (still judges) me for the way I’ve raised my son with openness on THE FACTS OF LIFE. I don’t care if she agrees with me or not. I’d rather my son know the bone truth on life than to know only partial or none at all. From what I’ve seen….You and the hubby are doing an excellent job as a parents!

  1. January 31, 2011 at 9:18 PM

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