Welcome To My World!!

My house is a circus, 365 days a year, 7 days a week. Here are some of the questions (and threats) I’ve had to ask at least once, on occasion, and on a regular in my household. Yes,  I realize a few are quite awkward, code for all-out-gross, but in my house nothing’s a surprise anymore.

“Who tied up Taylor? Why is your sister tied up?”

“Who’s in the bathroom singing on the toilet? Is that my brother? If he keeps at it, I’m  gonna’ start slipping song requests under the door.” 

“Why do you have a half-naked-women calendar on your wall? What do you mean your Papa gave it to you?! Roooodddddnnnneeeyyy!!!”

“When did you get this Kim Kardasian DVD? C’mere so I can break it on your head!”

“Why are our kids howling at the dinner table? A howling contest – at dinner?! Are you kidding me?”

“Why is there a text pic of some topless girl on your cell phone? Are you trying to kill me?! Do you want me to kill you? I better not see this crap again or I’m going to this girl’s house and I guarantee you she ain’t going to like what I have to say.”

“What’s the terrible smell in this car? Oh geez, I know what it is, which one of you kids took off your shoes again?”

(While doing the laundry) “Oh Lord, what the h*ll is that stuck to the underwear?” (And then because I’m so cheap, a few minutes later..) “Okay, I think bleach will get that out, don’t you think…no, I think we can save this underwear, we don’t have to throw it away.”

“Will someone please teach your father how to clear the internet browser history? Unless he wants me to kill him, I don’t want to know what sites he visits when I’m not home.”

“Did you brush your teeth? Don’t lie to me. Let me smell your breath. Are you just swallowing toothpaste again? I’m so onto you, get back upstairs and brush your teeth.”

(On a weekend road trip and upon reaching our destination.) “What do you mean you have no shoes? NO SHOES! You didn’t even put on shoes when you left the house?!? I don’t care if you were that sleepy! How can you forget your shoes?”

“Why did you wallpaper your entire room with pictures of Justin Bieber? Who helped you do this? Did Daddy help you? Roooodddddnnneeeyyyyy!!!”

(At the airport when some random extra kid ended up in my group.) “Ok, where’d the Anglo kid come from? No really, someone’s bound to think we kidnapped him.  Kid, who are you?” (A few minutes later his mother came looking for him, smiling nervously at us, of course.)

“You smell like chewing gum, where’d you get gum? I didn’t give you gum. What?!? From under the seat in the movie theater?!? You gotta’ be kidding me!”

(This happened at a family party when I asked the kids where their daddy was, apparently he and his friends were very drunk.) “Did you just say Daddy is outside walking his friend like a dog? A dog, like woof-woof?”

“Did you clean your room? Don’t lie to me, I’ll go up there and check. Never mind, I’m too lazy to do that. Text me a video of your clean room. Yes, I’m serious. You have an I-phone, you can video text.”

And I always find myself asking this. “Why can’t you kids just let me take one good picture? Cut it out! One good picture is all I’m asking for. You kids drive me crazy!” Instead this is what I get.

Yup, welcome to my world.

And just in case I have any social workers reading this blog….This post is a work of fiction. All stories and situations depicted in this post are purely fictional.

  1. July 21, 2011 at 9:09 AM

    Love the disclaimer!

  2. charlene gotico
    July 21, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Too funny

  3. July 21, 2011 at 3:26 PM

    That was great…nice to laugh at work!

  4. David R Knight
    July 21, 2011 at 3:44 PM

    Too funny, I loved it all! But I was shocked that there was no mention of religous intolerance or cruelty to animals, or other NPC comments! You have it easy compared to my house!
    IMPORTANT: This comment is intended for the use of the individual addressee that published the original blog post, named above, and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this comment, although the yorkshire terrier next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. If you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown you will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.

  5. July 21, 2011 at 3:46 PM

    Fantastic.. The disclaimer made me chuckle! Looking forward to seeing more of your world 🙂

  6. joan
    July 21, 2011 at 7:23 PM

    You’re too funny! I can picture all of it! hahaha… especially the ones involving Rodney. I’ve got the same issue with the taking a good picture part. Love the disclaimer too!

  7. Kelleen Adams
    July 21, 2011 at 8:35 PM

    Of course, all of this is any even funnier to me because I know your sweet and wonderful family…even with the disclaimer!! Always amazing!

  8. July 31, 2011 at 10:34 AM

    Ha Ha! Family life is certainly crazy! Your’s just a little crazier than mine because I only have a toddler and one on the way! I found your blog on the Mom Bloggers Club.

    Heather From and Mommy Only Has 2 Hands!

  9. Ryan Sunga
    August 15, 2011 at 2:23 PM

    That was hella funny lmao that was a great story man I was laughing my socks off ..! What did Rod feel when the officer sneaked up and ur daughter was changing because of the poop ! man I would nit know what to say I would be pooping in my pants ha ha heeeeeee lmao that’s a really great travel story keep it up

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