Welcome To My World!!
My house is a circus, 365 days a year, 7 days a week. Here are some of the questions (and threats) I’ve had to ask at least once, on occasion, and on a regular in my household. Yes, I realize a few are quite awkward, code for all-out-gross, but in my house nothing’s a surprise anymore.
“Who tied up Taylor? Why is your sister tied up?”
“Who’s in the bathroom singing on the toilet? Is that my brother? If he keeps at it, I’m gonna’ start slipping song requests under the door.”
“Why do you have a half-naked-women calendar on your wall? What do you mean your Papa gave it to you?! Roooodddddnnnneeeyyy!!!”
“When did you get this Kim Kardasian DVD? C’mere so I can break it on your head!”
“Why are our kids howling at the dinner table? A howling contest – at dinner?! Are you kidding me?”
“Why is there a text pic of some topless girl on your cell phone? Are you trying to kill me?! Do you want me to kill you? I better not see this crap again or I’m going to this girl’s house and I guarantee you she ain’t going to like what I have to say.”
“What’s the terrible smell in this car? Oh geez, I know what it is, which one of you kids took off your shoes again?”
(While doing the laundry) “Oh Lord, what the h*ll is that stuck to the underwear?” (And then because I’m so cheap, a few minutes later..) “Okay, I think bleach will get that out, don’t you think…no, I think we can save this underwear, we don’t have to throw it away.”
“Will someone please teach your father how to clear the internet browser history? Unless he wants me to kill him, I don’t want to know what sites he visits when I’m not home.”
“Did you brush your teeth? Don’t lie to me. Let me smell your breath. Are you just swallowing toothpaste again? I’m so onto you, get back upstairs and brush your teeth.”
(On a weekend road trip and upon reaching our destination.) “What do you mean you have no shoes? NO SHOES! You didn’t even put on shoes when you left the house?!? I don’t care if you were that sleepy! How can you forget your shoes?”
“Why did you wallpaper your entire room with pictures of Justin Bieber? Who helped you do this? Did Daddy help you? Roooodddddnnneeeyyyyy!!!”
(At the airport when some random extra kid ended up in my group.) “Ok, where’d the Anglo kid come from? No really, someone’s bound to think we kidnapped him. Kid, who are you?” (A few minutes later his mother came looking for him, smiling nervously at us, of course.)
“You smell like chewing gum, where’d you get gum? I didn’t give you gum. What?!? From under the seat in the movie theater?!? You gotta’ be kidding me!”
(This happened at a family party when I asked the kids where their daddy was, apparently he and his friends were very drunk.) “Did you just say Daddy is outside walking his friend like a dog? A dog, like woof-woof?”
“Did you clean your room? Don’t lie to me, I’ll go up there and check. Never mind, I’m too lazy to do that. Text me a video of your clean room. Yes, I’m serious. You have an I-phone, you can video text.”
And I always find myself asking this. “Why can’t you kids just let me take one good picture? Cut it out! One good picture is all I’m asking for. You kids drive me crazy!” Instead this is what I get.
Yup, welcome to my world.
And just in case I have any social workers reading this blog….This post is a work of fiction. All stories and situations depicted in this post are purely fictional.